The following important considerations might be helpful when deciding which meetings to attend.

We find progressive recovery in attending or being open to mixed meetings (men and women together). Attending mixed meetings might seem dangerous for those concerned they will not recover if around temptation. Because of this concern, some newcomers might shield themselves from temptation by avoiding mixed meetings indefinitely. “In our belief, any scheme of combating [sexaholism] which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the [sexaholic] tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger [problem] than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed” (AA 101).

This approach to temptation is what 12-step programs refer to as self-reliance. We are relying on our own power to resist temptation by avoidance. Thus, we separate ourselves from the environment necessary for recovery. “Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn’t go far enough” (AA 68).

Why doesn’t self-reliance work?

This is because “with all our human drives – hunger, thirst, sex, power, and the like – the most basic is called the Person-drive, the drive to have union with another. This drive must have its Connection” (SA 55). This Person-drive is the force that connects the best in us, others, and God.

Why is it so difficult for us to connect with others?

The problem is that our diseased attitudes have separated us from others. “We start building a wall around us, especially between us and those we are close to…At the same time, we are separating ourselves from God…This process has an even more insidious aspect-separation from ourselves” (SA 53). “We can’t survive alone, cut off, disconnected” (SA 55). This separation causes unbearable pain. Yet the hunger for connection intensifies and the pain is intolerable. We then find a deadly substitute connection, lust. Thus, we are trapped in a vicious cycle: avoidance – isolation – pain – acting out – shame; avoidance – isolation – pain – acting out – shame, etc. “We discovered that unless we found what our lust was trying so unsuccessfully to fill, we are not going to make it” (SA 146).

What is the Solution?

The solution is connecting to a Power greater than ourselves. “Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?” (AA 45). We connect to a Higher Power through the following suggested actions:

• Working the steps
• Identifying with others
• Serving others
• Setting and respecting boundaries.

Working the Steps

The Steps remove the things that separate us from a Power greater than ourselves and from others. At the same time, the Steps connect us by establishing and nurturing relationships. We experience the real Connection when we “connect with the best in us, others, and God” (SA 55). At first, these relationships may seem weak, but with more Step work, they continue to grow and strengthen. (See SA brochure: Why Working the Steps is Important). The following members’ shares demonstrate a result of working the Steps while attending mixed meetings, and in family life:

Identifying With Others

We want to make healthy connections in meetings that are different from our interactions before recovery. During the meeting, we listen. We ask ourselves, “How have I felt or done something similar?” Without addressing members’ shares directly, we simply share our own experiences when it is our turn. Thus, we identify, share, and surrender our negative thinking and emotions and we connect. Examples of the actions of surrender include praying, working the Steps, following the suggestions of a sponsor, and acknowledging our powerlessness. As we learn to surrender our obsessions, we benefit from the experiences of others and develop healthier connections in other areas of our lives as well.

Serving Others

Working the Steps produces in us a desire to help others. “Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us” (AA 77). We do this by being open to interacting and serving in mixed meetings. Living out our real purpose connects us to God and others despite the possibility of temptations. In fact, we learn how to overcome our temptations in meetings and through service activities.

“What better place to work on overcoming temptation than the sanctuary of a meeting where temptations may be present” (SA 178)? “After any initial discomfort from mixed meetings, members come to see their benefit” (SA 179). It is in the mixed meeting that we have the opportunity to surrender temptation, relate to others, and be of service. Newcomers can serve by volunteering to set up chairs, greet arriving members, or distribute readings. For online meetings, newcomers can volunteer as a timekeeper or reader. This cultivates the real Connection by instilling a sense of being part of a new family recovering together, one unlike any we have ever known, and taking ownership of our role in that family.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are limitations on our interactions that we set personally to protect ourselves and enhance our relationships. Boundaries provide the structure and confidence necessary to stay in mixed settings long enough to experience progressive victory over lust.

We can establish boundaries in many different ways. A physical boundary is about distance and contact between people (comfort zones). An example might be giving handshakes or fist bumps instead of hugs. Another boundary might be to limit the amount of time we interact with people who tempt us. When sharing, we might limit ourselves to the subjects we discuss in group settings.

See the “Practicing Healthy Interactions” section for more information on boundaries.

In Summary

Recovery in sobriety includes learning to rely on a Higher Power and learning to relate to men and women in healthy ways. Therefore, working the SA program and attending mixed meetings becomes a vitally important part of our recovery journey. “Such a process seems to be a necessary part of our recovery, freedom, and growth” (SA 179).

“Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover” (SA 201).