The Role of Women’s Meetings

Some women start their SA recovery by attending mixed meetings from the very beginning. However, women’s meetings (meetings for women only) can be an essential step in recovery for those who need it. They provide a place for a woman to more comfortably ask for help, open up, and participate in an SA meeting. Some find that women’s meetings help them transition to mixed meetings. Recovery can also be supplemented with women’s meetings while attending mixed meetings.

We caution against using only women’s meetings as a long term practice to replace mixed meetings. It is only in mixed meetings where a woman can begin to gain the experience of sobriety in the larger fellowship of men and women together.

Our Sexaholics Anonymous White Book expresses this under the section Mixed Meetings on page 179:

We benefit from seeing reflections of the problem and recovery from other points of view. For example, after the initial fear of having a woman member come into an all male group, men typically have testified to its value, saying they would not have it otherwise. Likewise, when women work through their fear of such a situation, they too recognize the value of meeting together. We all have the same problem. When we disclose the thoughts and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.

This is why we emphasize the importance of mixed meetings while also offering women’s meetings. A member has this to say:

Joining mixed SA meetings has been one of the most healing things God has used in my recovery. After five years of consistently attending Monday through Friday, I now feel comfortable interacting with both men and women in and outside the rooms. But that wasn’t always the case—my first face-to-face meetings seven years ago, where I was the only woman among dozens of men, were so triggering I didn’t return until Covid hit two years later (when all meetings were virtual or by phone). What helped me feel safe was attending mixed meetings with my sponsors (I’ve had three). Now, I can go to any face-to-face meeting and feel peace.

A Closer Look at the Benefits of Women’s Meetings

1. A More Comfortable Place To Begin

Some women are not yet ready to attend a mixed meeting. There are many reasons for hesitation. A woman may have unresolved trauma. In some cultures where men and women do not mix, it may take time to figure out how to honor one’s religious traditions and also participate in mixed meetings.

A women’s meeting can provide a place for a woman to more comfortably begin to ask for help. Here, she can develop a support network of other SA women. In times of difficulty, we need other recovering SA women to call for experience, strength, and hope (ESH). These SA women know and understand what we are going through.

“You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 89).

A vital step toward recovery is getting a sponsor who will walk us through the Twelve Steps of recovery. The norm is that women sponsor women and men sponsor men (See WB 74). A women’s meeting, like a mixed meeting, is where a woman can inquire about sponsorship.

As we get into the Steps, we find it indispensable to rely for help on those who have gone this way before. In Twelve Step programs, the term commonly used is sponsor. What we call the person doesn’t matter; and we don’t have to call them anything. Asking for help and accepting suggestions are what bring results (SA 72).

We all experience some degree of fear when attending our first meeting, regardless of who else is present, men or women. However, as we keep coming back, we find the courage to start working the program, get connected, and transition into the fellowship of men and women together in SA.

2. Transitioning To Mixed Meetings

Ideally, a women’s meeting is a step in transitioning to attending mixed meetings. Depending on her situation, this transition may take only a few meetings, or it may take longer. Along the way, it is helpful to remember the saying heard often in recovery circles, “We got sick together, we can get well together.” Many members have found that we improve faster and better when men and women work together toward recovery.

“In the long run, it has proven better for us to be together.” (Sexaholics Anonymous, 178).
I could not even think about attending a mixed meeting full of men. I went straight to a women’s meeting and thought I was never leaving. However, my home group had a monthly mixed speaker meeting and my sponsor asked me to attend. The first speaker, a male, radiated a recovery I had never seen before and wanted for myself. That was the inspiration for me to attend mixed meetings. I love mixed meetings and received so much recovery. I am not afraid of men anymore. I see them as brothers in the program.

A women’s meeting may not be the only support needed to transition to mixed meetings. The AA big book points out on page 133:

God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons.

Specialized help may be needed. Other Twelve Step fellowships may also give additional support. Time in a women’s meeting plus additional outside resources may be helpful while a woman prepares to attend a mixed meeting.

I’ve worked with over 100 coaches, 10 therapists, many self-development programs, and women-only meetings in another fellowship many years ago. While helpful, nothing compares to the support I’ve received from working the Steps with my SA sponsor in mixed meetings. SA comes first—without it, none of the other resources would matter.

3. A Women’s Meeting as a Supplement:

A women’s meeting can supplement recovery while a woman attends mixed meetings.

A combination of both women’s and mixed meetings allows her to continue receiving extra support as she grows in mixed meetings. This growth comes from learning how to relate to men as well as women without having to lust or act out.

After any initial discomfort from mixed meetings, members come to see their benefit … When we are united by this common commitment to sobriety and recovery, any uneasiness that may arise can be worked out. Such a process seems to be a necessary part of our recovery, freedom, and growth (SA 179).

Attending a mixed meeting for the first time can leave us with many questions. Having support from women in women’s meetings can answer many of these questions. There are also rich experiences women can share, such as using tools and boundaries that help women new to mixed meetings.

Another reason for attending a women’s meeting is that it provides an opportunity to be of service by:

  • sharing the recovery gained from mixed meetings with those attending only women’s meetings,
  • offering sponsorship to newcomers, and
  • supporting those ready to transition to mixed meetings.

As our SA “White Book” says on page 145:

We want others to recover. Another paradox in the spiritual realm is that if we don’t give it away, we can’t keep it. We learn to practice becoming open to the needs of others, being generous with ourselves.

How to Recognize a Healthy Women’s Meeting

A healthy women’s meeting will be welcoming, encourage working the SA program, be solution-focused, and support mixed meetings. A healthy women’s meeting will not claim to be a replacement for mixed meetings.

Ways to recognize a healthy women’s meeting:

  • Explains the SA Program and how to work it
  • Uses SA approved literature only
  • Cautions members that a women’s meeting is not a permanent solution for growth in recovery. By inviting members to attend mixed meetings, members have the opportunity to learn vital tools necessary to function in society without being triggered all the time.

In mixed meetings, we learn:

  • How to surrender lust in the moment.
  • How to practice setting and respecting boundaries
  • How to practice healthy interactions with men and women.

A solid recovery requires being part of the larger SA community: meetings, intergroups, regions, retreats and conventions, and the larger SA fellowship. Because these skills are necessary for recovery, it is imperative that women’s meetings are open to and support mixed meetings.

In conclusion, women’s meetings can be a vital step, while keeping in mind that we all need mixed meetings in order to grow in recovery, learn skills for interacting respectfully with others, and begin to experience progressive victory over lust.

You Are Not Alone

There Is Hope

Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover.

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