Practicing Healthy Interactions

Introduction

As we learn to practice healthy interaction with others, it is important to work the Sexaholics Anonymous program in mixed settings (men and women together). Such meetings are a place where we learn new skills of interaction with members of the same and opposite sex. This could put us on the path of temptation. Prior to recovery, we primarily knew only two ways of handling lust: indulge in it or try to suppress it through white-knuckled willpower which can lead to avoidance and isolation. Neither of these methods worked in the long run. We find liberation and success through the third option of surrender.

In this context surrender means giving up our right to lust or act out and letting it go. Surrender moves us out of our illusion of control and can help open our hearts to allow others and our Higher Power to help us.

Surrender can help us develop healthy boundaries as we work the SA program in mixed settings. Boundaries are limitations on our interactions. Good boundaries provide the structure and confidence necessary for us to stay in mixed settings long enough to experience our first victories over lust.

“We set boundaries not to control others, but to take care of ourselves.”
“When new in SA, I set a boundary by limiting my time in fellowship so that I wasn’t overwhelmed by temptation. Within my limited time, I practiced interacting with others while surrendering lust. I began experiencing freedom from both isolation and lust. I felt a part of the group. I saw men as precious human beings whose recovery experiences greatly enriched my life.”

Boundaries

Many of us did not have boundaries coming into SA. We began taking responsibility for ourselves by setting them. The specifics depend on the individual member. Our sponsor, other members, or the collective experience of our home group can help us by providing examples of boundaries that have worked. Relying on our Higher Power is also critical.

We can establish boundaries in many different ways. A physical boundary might be to give handshakes or fist bumps instead of hugs. In some cases either women or men may need to say, “I am not comfortable with physical contact.” Another boundary might be to limit the amount of time we interact with people where we experience lust or temptation. An emotional or spiritual boundary may be to limit the subjects we speak about in mixed settings.

“When I attended my first face-to-face meeting, I noticed that members were holding hands for the closing prayer. The gentleman beside me offered his hand. I folded my hands in prayer, turned to him, smiled, and said, ‘no thank you, I’m fine,’ and kept my hands together. In future meetings, the group did not hold hands at the closing prayer. This gesture communicated to me that I was accepted as part of the group. As a result, I was more comfortable.”
“As a male coming into the program, I was taught to practice certain boundaries to protect myself and the common welfare of others. If I was going to be met with a hug that I felt uncomfortable with, I would merely extend my hand for a handshake or fist bump. If I wanted to give another person a hug, to always ask permission first, such as: ‘May I give you a hug?’ But in general it was not considered appropriate to hug someone of the opposite sex.”

As we grow in recovery, the boundaries we need may change. With solid spiritual footing, we may begin to interact with others without needing as much structure. With guidance from a sponsor, we may make a conscious decision to change a boundary. Or we find this happens organically, often enhanced by service commitments.

“For the past 2 years I have served as the leader of a virtual meeting once or twice a month. Whenever the meeting numbers got down to only one man and me, I simply announced that I needed to close the meeting. Similarly, my small face-to-face home group has a potluck fellowship about once a month. We plan ahead to see who can attend and if there is only one man and me, we cancel for that month. If I end up inadvertently alone with a man I may be fine, especially after years in recovery, if my spiritual connection is good and my motives are right. Being honest with myself is essential. I am not as comfortable alone, even virtually, with a man new to recovery or whom I do not know well. In general, I avoid being alone with a man.”

A Newcomer’s Journey (with Boundaries)

The following section is focused on the woman newcomer’s journey into SA prior to establishing a sponsor, home group, and female contacts. We offer thoughts about what can be expected as well as some suggested boundaries.

People come into SA through many different ways. Often a counselor or family member suggests a person find help. Sometimes a woman knows intuitively she needs help and seeks information from a helping professional or spiritual leader or the Internet. A person may inquire about SA by calling a contact number found online. Often these phone lines are answered by volunteer members.

Some groups have both a female and a male member available to reply to phone inquiries. It can be comforting when a female calls the hotline and is connected with a female. When that is not possible, a female caller can receive information about group logistics, SA female resources and/or a specific female contact number from a sober male. Connecting with a recovering woman can jumpstart the caller’s recovery process. Caution is advised here as over-sharing with a male member may not be in the best interest of either person. Sharing details about our problem should be saved for discussion with another SA woman.

Group Contact:

There are several different ways we meet. In addition to face-to-face meetings, we have phone, Voice Over Internet Protocol (VoIP), and various Internet based video platforms such as Zoom, Google Meets, or Skype. (See sa.org to find meetings in these different formats).

Ideally, a female will be present to welcome a new woman. If not, the chairperson or another member is there to share information, contacts, and resources. A newcomer could ask the meeting chairperson for resources during the meeting. It can be more comfortable at first to speak to the group as a whole rather than to an individual. Often, members chat on arrival before the meeting starts which promotes fellowship. As an option for a newcomer, it may be more comfortable to only be in the room when three or more people are present.

Fear is Common:

The fear of entering an SA meeting for the first time is familiar to all members. We offer the following glimpse of what to expect to help bring ease to the newcomer. Remember those present have been newcomers and are seeking recovery as well. Also, it is reassuring to know anyone can leave a meeting at any time if too uncomfortable.

“At first, I only attended a women’s meeting. At their monthly speaker meeting, a man was going to speak and I told my sponsor I could not listen to a man. She said we can be in a mixed setting because we have a legitimate reason for being there. Many men have good recovery and therefore we can learn from their experiences. She suggested that I attend the speaker meeting and try to listen and if I got too uncomfortable, I could leave. The member’s share was so powerful that it became the catalyst for me attending mixed meetings and finding recovery there.”

Meeting Participation:

1. Meeting Formats

A meeting format is an organized script outlining what will be covered during the meeting. Face to face, online and phone meetings vary slightly in formats. Most meetings include an opportunity for introductions (using first names only). It is important to identify yourself as a newcomer to SA and ask to participate in a newcomer meeting if available. Many groups provide a specific newcomer meeting format. It is also acceptable to stay in the regular meeting if preferred.

2. Meeting Etiquette

Sharing in the group

The opening readings will guide your participation in the meetings. We refrain from interrupting or commenting directly to another individual in the group. This is the meaning of the expression “no crosstalk.” We address the whole group, speak from personal experience, share one at a time and listen carefully to each other. Usually, opportunities for questions will come immediately following the meeting.

Attire

Modest attire for men and women allows all members to meet together comfortably. Some meetings have a dress code. Some examples include, closed toed shoes, shirts with sleeves and modest neckline, no shorts, and no fragrances. The intention is that everyone will feel safe and undistracted.

Who can attend?

Although some meetings allow non sexaholics to attend, please note that only those legally defined as adults are permitted to attend SA meetings.

Unique to virtual meetings

Keeping audio on mute when not speaking allows all to better hear the speaker. Some members turn on their video to better connect and participate with the group. Good camera angle can remove from view people in the background and items that might be triggering such as bedroom furniture. Keeping the camera stationary and at face level decreases distractions and facilitates healthy listening. Turning off the video can save bandwidth to strengthen audio and may be needed at times. There are other legitimate reasons for using audio only.

3. Connecting with other women

A newcomer may need to ask for phone numbers of other SA women. Online or phone meetings may have a chat function where a request can be made for these resources. Care should be taken when considering a private chat with anyone other than the chairperson, host, or another woman. In the beginning many of us did not know healthy ways to communicate with men. Sharing one to one with another woman can provide essential support and guidance to learn how to interact with men. SA International Central Office (SAICO) can also help provide connections with SA women.

  • Website: sa.org
  • Email: saico@sa.org
  • Phone number: 1-615 370-6062

After the Meeting

Many face to face and virtual meetings have a time of fellowship immediately after the meeting. This can be a place to ask questions as well as to foster getting more comfortable with other members in a group setting. Virtual meetings may call this fellowship time “the parking lot.” For a new woman it may be more comfortable to interact in such a setting with three or more people together.

In Closing

There can be a lot of confusion upon entering the SA community for the first time. If there are any immediate (urgent) questions about how individuals interact with you or each other, please reach out to the chair or SAICO. Attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, connecting with other women, and being of service establishes a support system that is vital for our recovery journey. Healthy boundaries during this phase makes the process smoother. Those in your support system will be able to provide more guidance as you progress in recovery.

You Are Not Alone

There Is Hope

Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover.

Find a Meeting →
Phone +1 615-370-6062 Mon-Fri, 8:30am–4:30pm CT
Toll-Free (USA & Canada) +1 866-424-8777
Email saico@sa.org