I used to love philosophy and intellectuality, hiding behind wise quotes so that I would impress women, get them to lust after me, and impress men so that I would be accepted. This all derives from low self-esteem of course. I spent a great deal of money and time collecting books – religious, spiritual, high brow and I used anything l could from these to manipulate others, to make them feel that I was essential to them.
Under the spell of lust, I did not care about the other person’s age or marital status. I just wanted connection with the opposite sex, whether physically or virtually through social media. I used to walk the streets for tens of kilometers with my fancy outfits wanting to be lusted after or to lust after others. I remember one day in the street a woman who ran away from me because of the way I was staring at her. After three years in the program, relapsing now and then, I hit rock-bottom and finally got sober. At this stage, I decided to work the program hard, listening to my sponsor’s suggestions as if they were orders.
There was one particular slogan that helped me stay sober a day at a time since 12/11/2018. It was “Live and Let Live.”
In trying to live by this slogan I would close my eyes in an elevator for example, when a woman might enter, and I would keep myself to myself so that she would feel safe, undisturbed by me. Living by this slogan, I would look away from couples and from women as I walked the street, often crossing to the other side of the road so that they would feel undisturbed. I closed all social media applications to keep myself from making contact with women. For their sake, their peace of mind, I deleted all numbers of female phone contacts, including females in other fellowships and female relatives, except those very close to me like my three aunts. I stopped asking my friend about his partner and stopped trying to find out who his future partner might be. I did all these things so that I would let each person live peacefully, joyfully and safely, undisturbed by my lust. As a consequence I too “Live” sober, a day at a time, free from lust.
I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. But by promptly admitting them and by promptly bringing to the light with another member any lustful thoughts or motives I might have, I continue to live in the Light of the SA program, one day at a time.
Mina S., Dubai, UAE